Today would have been Xander's 4th birthday. Each year that has passed since his death has been a little easier, especially since the births of Tatiana and Asher. But every February 19th is hard. We think of what we have missed. What he would think of his little sister and brother. What his personality would be like. As a mother, I am very grateful to have had the opportunity to hold him inside of me. I was able to know him better than anyone else. Each of our kids have so far held true to their personalities inside of the womb when they have come out. I like to think that to be true of Xander also. I think he was our gentle spirit. Maybe a bit shy. Easily soothed by music. Xander has taught us so much. He has taught us to treasure our children. He has made heaven more real to us. We're thankful to have the comfort of God's promise of heaven. We know that we will see Xander again. Without that, I'm not sure how we would be today.
When I became pregnant with Tatiana we so desperately wanted for her to be a boy. We didn't want a replacement son but simply wanted to experience the things that little boys bring since we didn't get to do that with Xander. But God knew what we needed and gave us Tatiana. She is full of spirit and humor and love. We wouldn't trade her for anything. We're so thankful now to have Asher too. We got another boy, only in Gods' timing. He is such a smilie, easy going(apart from the acid reflux moments) baby.
We have talked for years about keeping Xander in our conversations to our other children so that they can realize that they have a brother in heaven. This year we are starting a tradition of baking a cake for Xander and singing "Happy Birthday" to him in an effort to make him more real to Tatiana and Asher. Tatiana was very excited to help me bake the cake this morning. She said she wanted to go see Baby Xander. I love hearing her say his name. She recognizes him in his picture which is very precious to Jon and I. We hope that some of what we have learned through Xander will be learned by Tatiana and Asher someday as well.
Happy Birthday, Xander! We love you and miss you!
